Archive for July, 2010

Kandy Stoopid!!!

July 22nd, 2010    Posted in Rants

Congo Jimmy HATE KANDY!!! He love kandy too. So con-fuz-n. Sweets taste gud. Sweets grump Jimmy, like buncha itch bugs in pants. Why they no stand still to be eated??? Stoopid kandy.

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Detective For Hire

July 13th, 2010    Posted in Services

Greetings.  It is I, Finneas T. Rex, but I have no doubt you’ve heard of me before.  I am a citizen of the Best Forgotten Island, a gentlemen, and a top notch detective.  While the other citizens of the island, especially our leader Congo Jimmy, would prefer to spend their time engaging in brutish and backwards violence, I have dedicated my life to serving the greater good.  With my sharp eye for details, and my innate and astute abilities of deduction I was a natural candidate for a detective.  Why, in my youth, I discovered it was my brother, Alexander, who ran my mother’s bloomers up a flag pole and set me up as the perpetrator.  If I had not found his claw marks on my mother’s drawer, then I would surely have been punished for a crime I did not commit.  Ever since then, I knew I was destined for great things.

Not just anybody can be a detective.  It requires years of study and practice.  I, for one, have been taking Dr. Sirrlock’s Four Week Private Detective Online Course.  Such a bold endeavor is not for the faint of heart.  One must learn all matters of practical detection – such as when to look for a murder suspect’s evil twin, when to realize you have been double crossed by an attractive vixen, and the 680 different types of mud and dirt that may be tracked on a person’s shoes.

If you are ever in need of expert detective assistance, then you will know to call on me.

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A Letter to Doctor Atomica

July 6th, 2010    Posted in Historical Record

Dear friend,

I am writing to inform you of the reason why I was unable to make it to your crime fighting bacchanalia last week.  I heard from a trusted source that it was a smashing success, and that the unveiling of the modified super-vacuum brought excitement to the entire room, so I write this letter with a regretful and heavy heart.
Mary Todd, Poe, Ben Franklin, and myself were waylaid on the road to Tomorrow Land by cupcake brawlers and that rogue villain, Tamale Bandito. It seemed they had been expecting us.   Tamale Bandito fired a tamale missile at our carriage and said he would have my stuffing for passing the robot emancipation proclamation.  The cupcake brawlers surrounded us and one nearly succeeded in dragging Mary Todd out of the carriage.  Thankfully, Ben Franklin had his lightning gun  handy and melted the frosting right off of that cupcake brawler’s head.  Poe made quick work of the rest of the cupcake brawlers with his signature poe-try slam.  He did quite well for a man in his condition; Poe had been rather morose lately because he was kicked off of the Best Forgotten Island after a vigorous and rather irritating reading of his new poem, The Bells.  Ben Franklin may enjoy his French women a little too much for my tastes, and Poe his alcohol, but the men are always ready to perform a service for their country.
As for myself, I got out my trusty axes and jumped out of the carriage to confront Tamale Bandito head-on.  He stood in front of the carriage with a smirk on his face, firing his missiles straight at me.  I dodged the projectiles and threw an axe straight at the bandit’s head, but the devil narrowly escaped to live another day.  We had to go back home, what with Mary Todd having a nervous fit after the incident and quite unable to function in good company.  Ben Franklin and Poe vowed to capture Tamale Bandito after this brazen display.  It’s been made clear the Kandy Kingdom is escalating their tactics out of desperation, and we will soon be forced to attack them head on.  We shall discuss more of what needs to be done in next week’s meeting.  Rest assured that the Kandy Kingdom’s tyrannical acts of violence will not be tolerated.
Stay in good faith.

Your friend,
Abraham Lincoln


Gosh Darn Dirty Ape

July 1st, 2010    Posted in Rants

Hi!  My name is Timmy Cherry Topping and I live in the sweet land of the Kandy Kingdom, where Kandy is Kandy and lizards and apes run scared.  I should know, as I have caused a stink’n lizard or two and at least one gosh darn dirty ape to turn tail after I pounded some sense into them.  Some say the only reason us cupcakes are the front line of fight’n is because there are so many of us, that we are cheap and tasty.  But I say no sir-ee that’s just not right.  We cupcakes are scrappers!  Why just the other day I knocked the pudding out of Congo Jimmy his self when he dared set foot on our land.  There is not-a-thing worse than giant ape feet in your sugar coating!  Yeah, some say I simply fell off the cone tower and got frosting in his eye while Z-Nut, the Tamale Bandit and Wax Lips chased him off with hard-candy bullets.  Those that say so are two-topping liars!  Cross my sprinkles and hope to stale I was the one that gave that big ape pause and if it had not been for my quick thinking we would all just be monkey poop!