Archive for August, 2010
All frontiersman like myself know that a good critter hat is the path to greatness. The most interesting people in history have had critter hats. Ever heard of Lewis and Clark? Genghis Khan? Napoleon? How about Johnny Appleseed? I rest my case. If you want to be one of the greats, just listen to me and in no time you’ll have a fuzzy little bandersnatch of your own.
First: Measure your hat size with your hands. Slowly pull your hands off your head and hold them in place in front of your eyes.
Second: Go trekking into the wild and find a critter that fits the space between your hands. Doesn’t matter what kind: scaly, furry, prickly, or sweaty. Pounce on it and wrassle it into submission. Flipping him over on his back and tickling his belly should do the trick. Badgers are particularly tough, and be sure you don’t get on the wrong side of a skunk. If tickling doesn’t work, try feeding him juju berries – never fails. Once the critter is all nice and docile-like, place it square on the top of your head.
Third: Feed the critter treats frequently, and be sure to take him off your head for outhouse breaks. You don’t want him to get grumpy or have an accident. Not only will your critter hat make you one of the greats, but he’ll be your closest companion. Making a critter hat is a much easier way to make friends than say…having to talk to people.
It’s been quite a long time since I have had the luxury of sitting in my study with nothing to occupy my time. Ever since the Kandy Kingdom declared open war upon the Best Forgotten Island, I have been ceaselessly working to try to once more unite the factions and bring peace to Tin Town.
Yet now that I have a few hours to spare I seem to be quite unable to sleep or do anything productive. I find my attention is drawn to my axes sitting on the desk. They have been my constant companions throughout this war, and even after all these years they still gleam, fierce and sharp as ever.
I think back to when I was a child and my father, Thomas Lincoln, gave me these axes so that I could get to work chopping down the dead tree in the yard. Being an adventurous and rather careless lad, I never did get to chopping down that tree. However, when the family cabin was attacked by roving bands of Bubblegum Bears, my natural affinity for axe combat saved the day. Those axes have been with me ever since, and hardly do they ever leave my side.
Now my thoughts turn to that of my father and mother, living in the log cabin of my youth. They always wanted the best for me, and though they were not wealthy they were hard-working and respected in their community. Every time I hurl one of my trusty axes at a marshmallow bunny’s head, I do so in their memory. God rest their souls.
Hi, I’m Clark Cable. You may remember me from such films as Run Silent, Run in Sleep Mode and the more famous Gone With the Windows. Or maybe not, since that was the future a long time ago and a lot has happened since then, such as yours truly getting super-modified to save the world. Dr. Atomica was insane to just grab the nearest set of robots, retrofit them with weapons and then send them into the past to save the future. I’m an ACTOR BOT for cog’s sake. I was working on the movie BoomKlang with Dispenser Tracy at the time and the worst thing I had to worry about was what industrial strength solvent to use to polish my chromatic smile.
I was never designed for this sort of hero tomfoolery and neither were the rest of the Tomorrow Bots: A paperboy, vending machine, telephone operator and medieval tour guide to name a few! Seriously??? Rescue this, rescue that, fight crime, defeat the Slimeacles*, lock up the bad guys. We have to save the world, only to save it again the next day. It all gets rather dull, and I’d say if it takes this much work to keep the world from being destroyed, then maybe the gosh darn** thing just wasn’t meant to be. This is a part that even the great Clark Cable finds difficult to play.
* Horrible things born from the primordial ooze billions of year ago in Earth’s past. Don’t ask me how they learned time travel!
** My apologies. My curse inhibitor translates ineffectual replacements. The fudging thing practically ruined Gone With The Windows.