All frontiersman like myself know that a good critter hat is the path to greatness. The most interesting people in history have had critter hats. Ever heard of Lewis and Clark? Genghis Khan? Napoleon? How about Johnny Appleseed? I rest my case. If you want to be one of the greats, just listen to me and in no time you’ll have a fuzzy little bandersnatch of your own.
First: Measure your hat size with your hands. Slowly pull your hands off your head and hold them in place in front of your eyes.
Second: Go trekking into the wild and find a critter that fits the space between your hands. Doesn’t matter what kind: scaly, furry, prickly, or sweaty. Pounce on it and wrassle it into submission. Flipping him over on his back and tickling his belly should do the trick. Badgers are particularly tough, and be sure you don’t get on the wrong side of a skunk. If tickling doesn’t work, try feeding him juju berries – never fails. Once the critter is all nice and docile-like, place it square on the top of your head.
Third: Feed the critter treats frequently, and be sure to take him off your head for outhouse breaks. You don’t want him to get grumpy or have an accident. Not only will your critter hat make you one of the greats, but he’ll be your closest companion. Making a critter hat is a much easier way to make friends than say…having to talk to people.